• charmrambler


It has been two months since my last post. To be honest, I don't feel certain I want to even post regularly again, not yet. However, it's mental health day today, so I would feel foolish and hypocritical if I didn't say something. That is what we all need to do - say something, even if you think it's nothing.

I like to think I'm open in my feelings, more often than not because I don't want to feel alone. I find it comforting to voice what I'm worried about, what I'm afraid of, because most of the time people reply to my long, rambling posts with something I never expect - understanding. So many people message me on this page and say they feel those things too, and it is such a relief. It sounds so easy to say just talk to somebody, but pressure, nerves and anxiety can often get the better of us. As I write this, I feel myself curl up, shrivelling inside because I am so loud, and outgoing, cheerful - not like this. That is what I have felt for a very long time. It does make me laugh sometimes, I feel a lot of the time that I'm balancing on a seesaw, unbelievably joyful and capable on the one side, glum and weighted on the other. The thing is, over time I've realised that, yes, I can be both, but it doesn't matter which one. I can love either side, that doesn't make me any less capable, or any less of a person.

Productivity is something I have never seemed to grasp, procrastination comes very easy to me. This is because of many things, some I don't really want to talk about, some that I find fine. I struggle massively with anxiety, I always have and for a long time I didn't understand what it was. It was only towards the end of sixth form that I began to understand why I think the way I do. As a kid, my mum used to call me a worry wart, my siblings used to always tease me because I would be beside myself worrying about bad things happening to them, I'd get nightmares. Through school, it was common knowledge how much I used to overthink everything, it's funny because I imagine that a few people who used to tease me about it will be reading this. Nobody was ever necessarily mean, it just got commented on, that I would worry a lot; that I always wanted people to like me. That last thing was the bane of my life for so long. I have spent far too long trying to get people to like me, changing my personality so I would fit in somewhere, often reducing myself down to the smaller details so that I wouldn't be too much. I have always gotten that one as well, that I'm too much or weird. This isn't a case of me feeling sorry for myself, if anything I'm writing a much softer post because I don't want to go into too much detail about certain things, purely because I'm not ready to talk about them. What I want to do is show how much little comments can hurt, I was always strange, loud and a bit odd, so I would change myself, for years, and nothing would change really. The noise just died down a bit.

I regret that a lot, changing myself, I would've been a much happier person, with much happier friends, if I just liked myself, if I just was myself. I find it easier now, albeit I compare myself a lot to other people, I try my best to just do what I want. It's funny, people like me more now, I care less now, and feel better for it - nobody told me that when I was 14, that the coolest thing I could be was myself. Haha. The tricky thing is 'myself' involves a lot of down days, dark days, with a lot of happy ones, too. I have talked before about how hard things have been, and how I wonder if I should just be quiet. I would be nowhere, or nothing, without my friends or my family. They just know. It's like how when you're sick and you just want your mum, she just knows how to make you feel better. Well, my friends were angry with me, to be perfectly honest, but they were there. They were angry because I was closing up, not talking to anyone, shutting myself off and not doing anything. They weren't angry at me, they were angry that they hadn't made me feel like I could come to them. I saw them in summer, everything seemed tense to me, I was worried they were mad at me. I went on a walk with Evie and we talked. I thought that I had been fine, I'd been talking in our group chat, checking in on them, but she explained that I wasn't really there as me - they were worrying. I was just going through the motions of my day, and not really feeling anything whilst I was doing it. I just broke down, and sobbed, and she held me as I cried a lot. I hadn't realised how much of me had gone until somebody told me they missed it. From that day I just talked, about everything, even the tiny things that I thought were pointless. It helped me so much, and it helped them, too.

I feel very down and anxious sometimes, I get a text of 'fancy a drive?' or something along those lines and its nice to just have the company. I have found friends that I can giggle uncontrollably with, dance around kitchens with but also ones who will listen when I need it, and I do the same for them. We sit in silence and do nothing, together. This has been shit, but it is getting better. In the past two months I have found a lot of joy, happiness and fun. It's been hard, and stressful, but up, and happier. My lovely, lovely friends have been a little blessing. I love myself more now, alone, as one, it feels nice to not need everyone to love me. It's important to know that you can take up your space in this world however you see fit, there's always more than enough room for however loud or quiet you want to be. Mental health matters so much, the moment I started talking, I felt a little less heavy.

I feel obliged to mention that there's no shame in being down, or sad, or asking for help. I see a therapist weekly, it's helpful. Medication can help. You can help. Whatever anyone feels matters, and I'm sorry if you're reading this and understand - things can and will get brighter.

Love love love love,

Charl xx

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