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  • charmrambler

add yourself to that list of things not to forget

I've spent all day on a train, travelling from one end of the country to the other. I usually enjoy this, it's nice to have a reason to just drift in your own head for a bit. However, all I thought about on this journey was the fact that I think so much, and that it's not a bad thing, but I'm probably a tiny bit dramatic sometimes.


To be perfectly honest, I love writing this blog a lot, but it makes me really scared sometimes. I've mentioned it before, but I always feel too open, too honest, too personal. I understand I can just reel those things in, but that would be such a waste, in my eyes anyway. I'm not really the sort of person that could do that, I just talk a lot, not always about the things i'm upset over, but I just cope that way. I created this because I love music, and I really do love it, but it's been a bit of a Godsend for my mental health. I'd been feeling as though I was forgetting myself, that I was somehow boring or a bit useless, then I looked down and it seems this little blog stared back at me, almost daring me to convince myself I'm uninteresting. Maybe it is a bit much, too personal, too exposed, but I'm like that sometimes - I think that's fine. There are things you don't see, they're for me, but maybe it just helps somebody else knowing not everything is fine all the time. It's hard to write about what you're scared of, but I think its considerably harder to pretend it isn't there. I just felt like I should say something. A mellow sort of thanks. It feels relevant for what's about to come.


So, I'm on my first train of the day, it's raining, I'm listening to Damselfly by Loyle Carner, looking out the window pretending as if I'm in a music video. Like you do when you're eight years old. It was nice, I felt mellow, like too much had happened for me to know how to feel, so I did what I tend to do when I feel a mix of things - make a playlist with all of them in. It's on my spotify, it's happy, and sad, funny, a bit weird - the right amount of everything. Its got Blondie, John Mayer, ELO, and this really cool group of girls called Les Filles de Illighadad. I think it's probably a good playlist to listen to if you feel equally restless and tired, its a bit of a confusion and I like that. I don't know why I wrote this, I just needed to write something and I think this was probably the place for me to go. I write this blog because I love it, I'm not really bothered if people read it, creating it makes me happy. I just feel so overwhelmingly happy that a few people like it, too.


I'm sorry to keep going on what seems like a very sad tone, I just feel like it would make some sense if I explained why I hadn't been posting, or been very active much. I think I figured it out in the train station, where I had one (1) hour to wait in the freezing cold. I began to have this weird realisation that everything was silent, and then have this realisation that seems far too much for that time of day, but it's true, it's sad, and maybe a little bit funny. I wrote it in the notes section of my phone, like a celebrity apology note.


'It’s so quiet here. I think this station could sum up how I’m feeling right now. There’s no noise, just footsteps, then everybody rushes to a platform and a big loud machine comes and takes over the attention - all that’s left is the little whoosh of the papers on the poster walls. Then it’s quiet again. And it hurts again. And the trains come back. I would be disappointed if they were cancelled. It's nice to feel that sense of movement again.'


In summary, I've been feeling a bit rubbish, and then a bit better - ups and downs. Don't want to alarm anyone, I am actually fine, I just think its really important to talk about the bad days as well as the good. One day I might not write this blog, I might not need that comfort. Thanks an absolute ton to anyone who does read it - promise my music taste is really good and I'm not just down all the time.


Thanks again,


Charl

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