The way the world works
To my absolute surprise and delight, I created an instagram story for people to tell me what sort of stuff they want to read, and I somehow got a ton of responses. It was lovely to see so many people tell me that they like hearing about me, my life, and the music that helps me out along the way. One of the biggest requests was for a post about what I do when I'm feeling anxious, low and worried - and the things that make the world a bit brighter when it seems quite dark.
This is quite a difficult post for me to write, a little confusing maybe, because I feel silly telling people how to manage when the truth is I find it very difficult to deal with sometimes. I think if this blog is anything, it is honest, so I will talk about what I find helps me, and hope it can help some of you, too. The horrible tension that often comes from nothing is one of the worst things that I've had to learn how to deal with. The feeling that, for whatever reason, I am wrong, something bad will happen, or that I am incapable of doing something, is one that has been such a large frustration for me over the years for several reasons. The main thing that used to really annoy me was the fact that I absolutely did not want to feel that way - nobody does, no anxious person would choose to wake up and worry about the world, but they will, and they can't help that. The tricky thing, for me personally, is being gentle with myself, understanding the way I feel and responding to what I actually need. 'Self care' has become a term coined by many, but it is more than doing a face mask, or having a bubble bath, sometimes it's as simple as making sure you've eaten that day. The key thing is that the world feels very scary for a lot of people, and learning what I need helps me deal with that.
Obviously, this blog was created because I love music, in any form really, it helps pretty much all the time. I'll create a playlist of some chilled songs that help me concentrate, maybe not on anything in particular, but on the things that I can't do. Sometimes, thinking about something you're avoiding is one of those things that seems overwhelming and intimidating until it's actually done. For some reason, I listen to a lot of ELO when I'm anxious, it's comforting. He absolutely will not remember this, but I have such a vivid memory of my brother singing along to 'Evil Woman' in our kitchen. He didn't know that I was feeling rubbish, or maybe he did and he didn't tell me, but it helps and I find that full of love when I feel heavy. More recently, I've been getting more involved with the things I seem to have forgotten I love - one of which being actually musical. So many people find that playing their instruments is something that helps them massively, like a place they can get away sort of thing, but for some reason the idea of this when I feel low is really tough. I don't want to do things that I like when I feel rubbish, I wish I could tell you why, but truthfully I think I just find it hard to let myself enjoy something.
A big realisation for me recently has been such an obvious and simple thing but one I really needed to hear - I have every single right to have a good day, that does not mean I am fixed, it just means I am having a nice time in that time. Maybe it's just me, but I find myself feeling guilty for feeling good sometimes, because I've been feeling down, and I have reason to feel down, but there is absolutely nothing to feel bad for if I feel okay, and I should celebrate the fact that I can feel okay. Something I love doing is playing my instruments, or singing, whatever, and I can honestly say that, for the first time in such a long time, I felt excited. Genuinely excited to be doing something I know I can do, confident, and I had such a good time doing it. I am not out of this bad time, I feel anxious and scared most days, but it has been so lovely to do something and love it, properly, not for any other reason other than the fact that I do. This feels like more of an update on my life as opposed to a post, maybe it is, but anyone close to me knows what I've been like the past few months, and it is so nice to finally feel like the world was softer, more bright. Even if it was just for a day, it gives so much hope for the days to come. I apologise if this is a tangent as opposed to something helpful, but I think reading this would have really helped me when I felt the worst. I hope that there's comfort for those who read it, that things, however briefly, can look up, and that in itself is a reason enough to feel hopeful.
Thanks for reading, playlist to come,
Charl :) x